Jack Schitt's Previously Shat Shit

Unexpected usefulness

2008-07-02T23:44:00.000-07:00

In the previous post, I mentioned that I was acquiring a vehicle.

The vehicle I acquired is a 1995 Chevy Lumina. That's right, folks. I officially drive a soccer-mom style minivan. It even came complete with the various accouterments that a minivan which was used to tote kids around for years tends to come with.

This post is not about those items, however. This post is instead about one particular item of interest I found whilst detailing the vehicle.

Among the half-eaten candies, bits of paper, stale Cheetos, and nearly four dollars in change, I found a D-Link wireless router, circa 2002 - 2003, underneath one of the seats.

I will repeat that.

I found a fucking wireless router underneath one of the seven seats of this van.

In the annuls of unexpected things we've all found in the car during a thorough cleaning, I'm pretty damn sure that a wireless router is one of those things that are less likely to be found frequently.

Here's to you, the D-Link wireless router from underneath the seat.

The practical gym

2008-06-16T22:02:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me know that I've been without a vehicle for some time now. I can tell you with little understatement that this has been more than a little bit inconvenient for me.

My girlfriend's mom has offered to sign a van over to me on the grounds that I give her a ride home from work frequently. I was disinclined to agree to this as there is a three hour difference that would require me to wait for her.

Why did I agree, though? My girlfriend works at a theme park. She purchased me a season pass to the water park portion of the park.

After each work day that I'm picking her up, I'll go to the park. Not as your typical man-kini clothed tourist, mind you, but instead as the ultra-buff [snicker] muscle-bound [yeah right] gym rat.

That's right, folks. I've been meaning to lose that extra weight and get into shape, so what better way than to swim the wrong way in "River Cruise" or fight off the other intertube-toting kids at the "Hidden Sea" wave pool? Should I ever need to do stair climbing exercises, I could climb up "Tiki Falls" with a refreshing cool down period every four minutes. There are literally hundreds of exercises I could do at Six Flags Hurricane Harbor.

So folks, next time you are in the Southern California area and at a water park between 3:30pm and 6:30pm, don't be too alarmed at the guy doing arm lifts with milk jugs full of water. I'd use weights but they have metal detectors at the entrance to the park.

"River Cruise", "Hidden Sea", "Tiki Falls", and "Hurricane Harbor" are registered trademarks of Six Flags Theme Parks Inc.

Jack Schitt on yet another timeless question

2008-06-06T23:12:00.000-07:00

On February 12th, 2007, "ughhh" asked:
What came first? The chicken or the egg?

i really want to know...

My answer:

Mankind has forever attempted to classify things. Hot or cold. Short or long. First or last.

I say, stop attempting to classify everything.

Chickens and eggs coexist. They have always coexisted and must always continue to coexist, for if you destroy all of one or the other, the one left will become more powerful than it is possible to imagine and the imbalance will annihilate the universe.

(Sorry, weed does that to me sometimes.)

Since genetic predisposition happens at conception, I propose that the answer is the egg. According to evolutionary theory, the critter that would have laid such an egg would have been chicken-like, but not quite chicken enough to be considered a chicken.

Reading back, I now realize that I'd missed a great opportunity to remark on the surrealism of a chicken having hot, hot sex with an egg. After all, the question is about which came first. [Yuk, yuk, yuk...] But that would have probably got my answer removed instead. Oh well. I'll add incest to the list of topics I'm not allowed to invoke over at Yahoo Answers.

This got best answer as well:

haha. this made me laugh...but i think what really won me over was (Sorry, weed does that to me sometimes.)

A bad hack gone good

2008-05-18T23:14:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine in the web hosting industry got hacked today. Several of his clients' pages and the web host's page itself got defaced and several clients also had their files deleted and databases cleared.

Generally, this doesn't bode well for PR of a web hosting company... unless it's run by my friend. I'll call him Captain Spin.

So [redacted]'s new backup system saved our biggest client today...
(This is from the support forum on the web host's site. Captain Spin hasn't put together an ad just yet.)

5/17/2008, [redacted]'s most visited hosting Client Instant Messages me:
(4:35:30 PM) Cust: i got hacked. they got me through my outdated CMS
(4:35:46 PM) Me: What?!
(4:35:55 PM) Me: Please call me ASAP: [redacted]
(4:35:55 PM) Cust: hey I did a restore. everything's back to normal.

Facts:
[redacted]'s new hourly backup system came online less than 72 hours ago. Prior to that, we had no form of backups and were like most other hosting companies: "We are not responsible for your data." He was able to log in to his cpanel, click on "Backup Retrieval," select a backup and go about his merry way.
This client's website receives 86,400 visits on an average day and is his means of putting food in his stomach.
The hack was executed via an outdated Content Management System (phpnuke,) which we are updating for him right now.

Great quotes from our phone call:
"I'm so glad I switched over to you guys - You saved my @$ big time here."
"Thank God you set up this backup system, seriously."

The Lesson
Can't figure it out still? Keep up-to-date backups!

Needless to say, [redacted] will push out a press release along with our backup software partner to [redacted] and all the other norms. Happy hosting, everyone. :-)

Fedora vs. Fedora

2008-05-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

[I wrote this with a bit of an air of arrogance. It is satire.]
It's not often that I, the one and only Jack Schitt, make a mistake. Unfortunately, the record of three year, six months, and 18 days, stands no more. I know, I know. Console me if you like, dear reader. But it won't help.

An online friend of mine told me via AIM that he got a new fedora.

Me being the geek that I am, I figured that he was of course indicating that he had just installed a Linux distro named Fedora.

It was at this point in the conversation that I mentioned that I was more of an Ubuntu guy myself.

I didn't realize my mistake until my friend asked me what an 'ubuntu' was and if I could send him a picture.

The mistake that I made, my mistake, was not knowing that fedora, in addition to being a type of Linux, is also a type of hat. Distraught as I am in having made this mistake, it is disturbing, furthermore, that the mistake is such a stupid one. I can assure you, dear reader, that all attempts will be made in the future to prevent both similar and dissimilar mistakes from ever happening again.

Be aware, though, that they will happen. Nothing can prevent them. Not even me.

In closing, I would like to apologize to all of the witnesses of the IM conversation above and say that it was with my deepest regrets that I allowed such a mistake to occur. I'm sorry.

Lemonade: A Short Story

2008-05-13T19:41:00.000-07:00

My mom reads this blog. It was at her request that I make the following story available here after rotting for years on my MySpace blog. Apparently, it's pretty easy to forget you have one of those.

I will now relate to you, my dear reader(s), and my mom, my lemonade experience of December 15th, 2006.

My Lemonade Experience

-or-

How to Get a Really Bad Sugar Rush Right Before Bed

A short story by Jack Schitt, The One and Only

As has been my tradition for some time now, I decided to have a tall glass of lemonade right before bed. Little did I know that there would soon be a party in my mouth and that I'd have to call the cops. Normally, the tradition requires three tablespoons of Country Time lemonade in a 16 ounce cup. I like it a little strong. The problem arose when I realized I was out of Country Time and had to fall back to the Crystal Light.

Mad was I with desire for my precious lemonade as I dove through the packaging to get to the... holly shit? Pre-measured individually wrapped tubs of lemonade? "They've thought of everything," I said to myself as I dumped the contents of the tub (about one tablespoon) into the 16 ounce cup I normally use. The strong whiff of lemonade at this point should have served as a warning for what was about to come.

I naïvely poured in the crushed ice that lemonade should be packaged with -- I guess they haven't thought of everything -- not aware of the danger I was currently in.

I ran the tap into the cup and watched it fill. If this were a movie, a sinister note would be playing. Thinking back, I can hear it. The psychologist says it has to do with a repressed memory, but that's a different blog.

I noticed that the water was a lot more milky than normal while I was stirring it. I stirred with reckless abandon. I stirred and I stirred, hoping against hope that the mix would dissolve. But it was not to be.

There was no warning. There were no screams. There was no time. There was only spit up lemonade, dripping slowly off the counter onto the floor.

A tumbleweed silently drifted by.

I stared in blankly in awe as I came to the realization: I had just prepared a half gallon worth of lemonade in a 16 ounce cup. Not being wasteful, I snapped up some pics, started my laundry, and posted this blog.

Yes, I did finish the lemonade. Yes, I did water it down. Yes, I will be up all night even though I have to be up tomorrow at seven. (I looked at the nutrition info on the side of the box and it lists one serving as "1/8 Tub".)

The Menthol Variety

2008-05-13T01:48:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me outside of the blogosphere know that I'm a supporter of legalized marijuana. I don't smoke it, and I probably still wouldn't even if it was legal. I just support it's legalization.

Legalization of pot would solve one particular problem touched upon in my next Yahoo Answers post:

(adyktd2thewrttnwrd (what a name) posted this on February 25th, 2008)
An Honest Question for Smokers ... Read Details?

This is for smoker's. Obviously, we smoke, DUH. We don't need the regulars telling us we will die of a horrible cancer or whatever. Having people tell you you will die gets a bit annoying.

We know this. But, there is a divide among smokers and here is MY question: Menthol - Yes or NO?

I tried to recall the last time that I'd seen the menthol flavored variety available to no avail.

My dealer laughed at me when I asked him if he had menthol. Does any body know where I can get menthol pot so I can more properly answer this question?

How rude of me... I answered a question with another question. Oh well.

March of the Penguins

2008-05-11T17:11:00.000-07:00

In addition to Yahoo Answers, I've also found myself in the /b/ board (otherwise known as Random) of 4chan where I make random images. These two movie posters were made in response to a thread called Images of FAIL.

I didn't quite get the huge following I was expecting on this one. At least you get to see them.

The other fad on /b/ is motivational posters. I've made a few of these as well. The concept is pretty simple. Find an image and create a headline underneath that describes the image, usually in a way that isn't expected.

Below that, add a line that elaborates on the headline.

Have any images you think would make a good poster? Bring them to my attention in the comments and I might laugh at you.

Jack Schitt on co-dependence

2008-05-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

Going through my previously answered questions, I found another gem, this one by Robson P. He asked this on December 30th, of 2006.

If i love her,should i go to her,because she wants me with her?
(This question had no body.)

Understanding that Robson P is probably all of 14 and still quite nervous around the women kind, I decided to be a bit of a jerk.

If you're asking this question with such an obvious answer, I'm going to have to say no as you'll be doing her more harm than good, I'm afraid.

Why? This question seems to imply that you have a co-dependence issue and that's never good. You already know the answer to the question, you know the answers other people are going to provide, you're just looking for confirmation.

I'd instead suggest that you seek psychological counseling for your co-dependence issues.

I was almost certain that I was going to get an angry email back from him or at least one of the other readers of the question. Instead?

i was just looking for comfermation

He even gave me the best answer vote. Nice.

The slight burning sensation

2008-05-10T02:53:00.000-07:00

I frequent the Yahoo Answers site in search of questions to which I can reply with either a comprehensive or hysterically funny answer.

Today's question (actually from August 21st, 2008) was asked by user Fearlesshood:

Burns?????????????

For the followinf injurie i neeed to find :
Types?
Causes?
Signs?
Symptoms
Treatment or management
plz help, in full sentences plz

As you can see, this is most likely a homework question. This scares me a bit as this is the kind of question somebody studying for a career in health care might get.

By far, the best part of the question is the plz help, in full sentences plz at the end, suffering from absence of capitalization, incorrect grammar, and even the redundant plz.

Well, Fearlesshood, I'm happy to oblige:

Types of burns can include unintentional and intentional.
Unintentional burns happen, for example, when you drink sulfuric acid thinking that it is in fact water.
Intentional burns happen when you drink sulfuric acid knowing that it is in fact sulfuric acid.

Causes can include stupidity and depression.

Signs of burns can include blisters, charring, and loss of life.

The symptoms are typically excruciating pain, and learning the crucial difference between sulfuric acid and water.

The treatment of burns are dependent upon the cause. If the cause is stupidity, a smack across the head is usually sufficient to treat a burn. In the event that it is not, however, proper application of salt must also be considered. In the event of depression, Prozac and/or Zoloft may be prescribed by a qualified psychiatrist.

I am available to answer all appropriate homework questions that can easily be studied for.

And yes, I was chosen best answer.

The one-day Laryngitis sale

2008-05-10T02:33:00.000-07:00

Marketing at it's best... the one and only Laryngitis sale.

This is an actual email I received from a company I frequently deal with that sells audio equipment and software. I slightly edited the email to remove the name of the salesman, the company's name, and his email address, but the email is genuine.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Dave ****
Date: Fri, May 9, 2008 at 8:01 AM
Subject: Dave's One Day Laryngitis Sale!
To: Jack Schitt

Hi Jack,

Dave from **** here. As I am sure you know, I make my living by talking on the phone to my great customers all day about their needs and wants in the musical world. Unfortunately for me (and my customers) I woke up this morning with an extraordinarily bad case of laryngitis. I'm not able to talk on the phone today--so in the name of saving my voice while still passing on great service and savings to you, I am holding a one day (email only) laryngitis sale.

Reply to this email and I will hook you up with a 10% discount off any item of your choice (except for just a few manufacturers, like Apple and Apogee). Not only will you be helping my vocal cords recuperate, but you'll also be getting even more savings off of ****'s already super-low prices, not to mention lifetime support on every product we sell, and expert answers to all of your questions!

Please let me know if you have any questions or if there is anything I can be doing for you. I appreciate your time, and hope all is well for you and yours!

Dave ****
Sales Engineer
****
800 **** ****
Dave_****@****.com